I will apologize in advance for my lengthy questioning. I am a Christian woman who just recently married a Muslim man. Firstly after reading some of the info on your website I am questioning if we are actually married under Islamic law, as since I had no wali, the Imam who performed the nikah became my wali for the ceremony. We are speaking of divorce. He has moved out of my house, and I do not know where he is living. We only communicate via text messaging because he says he cannot control his emotions when talking over the phone. He never actually said I divorce you, but we told others that we were getting a divorce. I told him I don’t know how an Islamic divorce actually works, so I will handle the legal documents from the state, and he can handle the Islamic part, but I don’t think he even knows how to go about that. I should probably state that we have only been married for four months. I married him two weeks after he was released from prison, because he said that he could not live with me if we were not married. We had a previous relationship with several children involved before he went to prison and became a “practicing Muslim” I agreed to a lot of things in regards to Islam in our household, letting him teach the children about Islam, giving up a male friend that I had for numerous years before I knew him, no pork, no music, no alcohol, dressing conservatively, etc. I even agreed that once we could afford to, I would get my tubal ligation reversed, because he says it is against Islam for my tubes to be tied, (even though the surgery and a future pregnancy has the potential to cause me great harm). I never said that I would stop celebrating some holidays and he agreed. I never promised that I would convert either, but now this is a problem. He feels as though he cannot deal with me because I haven’t converted yet. I told him that I used to have a genuine interest in Islam, until he continuously “harassed me about it” I try to hold conversations with him, and he says unless it is about Islam, there is nothing to talk about. We are both not happy, but I don’t think that divorce is a good idea either. One major issue is that he feels as though I hate Islam, which I don’t, but I have said some not so nice things to him about Islam, because he constantly belittles me and is very condescending about my religion. Are we allowed to agree to disagree about our religious views? I also am very concerned that he is talking to women on Facebook, one who he has had a prior sexual relationship with, but he states that it is all innocent, he is only talking with them about Islam, but I was able to see messages where he asked several women if they were married or not, which I don’t feel is appropriate. He also made conversation with a woman from another country about flying her here to the US. How can he do this? He is not even taking care of me and our family. He has no money, or work, and I take care of us all, all 13 of us. A lot of things that he does and says seem to push me further away from Islam, because he seems so selfish and I feel like he uses Islam to excuse behaviors that I feel are inappropriate. We were once having relations in the bedroom, and we had not had intercourse yet, but he had already climaxed, so when we tried to have intercourse, because I hadn’t yet climaxed of course, he withdrew in the midst of it, got up, and said we’ll try later it’s time for prayer. I felt very hurt and ashamed, but he said he doesn’t have to justify anything to me. I thought Muslims were to treat their wives with kindness. He says that he can’t love me because I am not Muslim. Is this true? He also says that I am not allowed to talk to anyone about our marital problems, but what am I to do if I can’t even get him to talk to me about our problems? When I bring to his attention about facts in Islam, that he is not adhering to, he states that I am not a believer, and can’t tell him anything about Islam. I even told him some information that I learned from this website, that he also frequents, but he still says I have no right to question him, and that I am just fuel for the Hell-fire because obviously Allah has placed a veil over my heart. Please help.
Praise be to Allaah.
In order for the marriage to be valid, it is stipulated that the contract be done by the woman’s guardian.
The guardian of a Christian or Jewish woman is a male relative who is a follower of the same religion: her father, grandfather or brother… If there is no such relative or he refuses, then her marriage contract is to be done by the Muslim judge if there is one; if not, her marriage should be done by the director of the Islamic Centre in her locality, because the basic principle with regard to guardianship in the case of marriage is that it belongs to the father, then to male relatives, the closest then the next closest. If there are no male relatives or they are not qualified to be guardians for any reason, or if they refuse for no good reason, then guardianship passes to the ruler or one who takes his place.
Fataawa al-Lajnah ad-Daa’imah, 18/162 Continue reading